I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
