So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
