i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
3pm strippers are depressing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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