fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
