Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
