me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
