The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
