Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Randomize
