My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
