Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
