I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.