Have you finally orgasmed yet?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.