Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."