it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
