Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
