I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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