She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
