you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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