Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
