His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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