just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
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Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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