i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
