i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
