so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
whose parrot is this?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
