he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
