The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
