there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
