when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
please come you make the beer taste better
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
