Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
