The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
