ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
