I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
