so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Drunk is not a location!
Randomize
