told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
