ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
