Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
