I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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