Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
