I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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