It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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