I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I smell like Dick and happiness
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
