put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
