so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
