So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
