also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
We left the knife in your bed.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Randomize
