Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
