Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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