Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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