ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
