can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
