Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize