You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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