Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
