do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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