We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
