Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
