Old men and throwing up are my life now.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
