I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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