So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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